A Fresh New Perspective

I feel as though the past few days have brought a new perspective. Thursday was the beginning of our 15th week. So far the second trimester (the past week and a half) has proved to give a slight bit of relief. More so the past few days.

This slight relief has given a time to be excited. For the first time, I can honestly say I have been able to think about, dream about, and be excited about having a baby. It’s finally becoming more real. For so long I have been only really thinking about myself and how horrible I feel. All of this self pity was alongside a deep guilt in knowing my selfishness. I cannot do anything about the past and now I have to regroup and learn to deal with the next few months (171ish days but who is counting.) I thank the Lord for this blessing. I am not sure I will ever want to do this again, but I am very grateful for what the Lord is teaching me.

I feel I have learned how to handle some of the 'quirks' of this pregnancy. My go-go-gadget nose lets me know when anyone in the apartment building is cooking...then my over excited stomach responds by giving me back anything I have eaten in the recent past. How thoughtful. J I have learned to eat constantly…but not too much at a time. This has proved to cause quite a scene with people around us when I must open a granola bar during church. It even ends up making a scene when I try to be discrete. Rather than holding on to a noisy tic tac container during morning prayer at work, I decided to pour several tic tacs in my hand….and when they melted all over turning my hand orange and white it caused a scene with those sitting nearby.

I know, I know...many have asked for pictures. We took some this morning, but they are not very good. We will try again tomorrow.

Its a Baby...Confirmed.

Thursday it was all confirmed. We are really having a baby. The past several weeks have been filled with doubt as I have been really sick, and needing some sort of confirmation that this really does have a purpose. I had a lingering fear that we would go to the appointment and they would tell me I am not really pregnant, but have some terminal illness. I was sitting on the table as the midwife was trying to find the heartbeat and my eyes filled with tears. It was taking a long time and she could not find the heartbeat. One minute...two minutes...three minutes...finally, as my eyes were filled with fearful tears, she found a heartbeat! It is strong and fast! What a wonderful reminder that God is creating someone...even if it does not seem like it from our perspective. It is good to hear the midwife tell us our little girl (or boy) is strong and healthy so far!

What to Say...

Hmmm, what to say is a difficult thing sometimes. Its easy if something wonderful is going on. If someone just had a great accomplishment or a great new haircut you simply praise them...smile and go on. But, when someone is not feeling well and is going through the motions of life when they would much rather be in bed is not the time to whip out unnecessary comments.

In two days at work last week, the first words out of four peoples mouths were "oh, you don't look so good." Now, on one hand, I know these were not malicious comments, but come on. How can that comment do any good? What does that comment accomplish? It makes me want to wear a sign saying "Yes, I look horrible; Yes, I feel Horrible" just so were on the same page from the beginning. It makes me dread going to work even more when I get looks and comments. At least the week ended better than it began.

We are very excited to become parents. It has sent us thinking about what the future will be like. How we will tackle parenting and if we will use cloth diapers or disposable ones? Even thinking of Christmas next year when our little one will be 6 months old! The best thing we can do right now to prepare is simply pray. We pray the Lord will keep our little one healthy and strong, and we pray HE will give us the wisdom we need to raise him or her in a way glorifying the Lord.

Little Red Bucket

My little red bucket has been my second best friend the past month or so. It has gone most everywhere with me:) Everywhere around the apartment at least. I am hoping to soon retire the little red bucket to its previous purpose of holding soapy water when we clean.

I don't necessarily consider myself a highly emotional person, until now. I have found hormones and emotions take over everything sometimes. I have also come to realize that occasionally when I have a time of hormonal/emotional breakdown, I am really learning something.

Uncontrollably crying last week I did not understand what was going on. I felt horrible, I looked horrible, I knew I was grouchy and could not stop throwing up, yet my husband was still telling me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am. He randomly would get up and ask me if I want something to drink or a fudge pop. Why was he being so nice? How could he think I was beautiful? It has been almost five weeks of this sickness and my husband is still so loving and caring. He portrays a wonderful picture of how marriage and love for each other is unconditional. It still brings me to tears.

For now, I had better get back to my little red bucket:(

In the Beginning....

In the beginning...Why have I waited until almost 12 weeks to begin this blog, some may ask. You cant really write about something until you have experienced something.

We found out the week we returned from a trip to Asia that we are expecting our first child. How exciting at first...until the real pilgrimage began. I had always had this picture of how 'wonderful' it would be to be pregnant. A Princess is what I felt like as Clint would not let me even carry laundry downstairs or groceries upstairs. This went on for about a week or so until this sickness began and I realized "This is a lot tougher that it seems!"

I have been learning a lot, and I am sure what I think I am learning now, will come in a more clear light in a few weeks, months, years. But, for now....the pilgrimage has began.


p.s. I do understand that if we find out we are having a little boy I will have to change the color of this blog....but for now we can have fun with pink:)