Mom Guilt

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Mom guilt. I don’t know one mom who is immune to it.

It is not healthy and does not help any situation. It steals our thoughts and emotions. Don’t get me wrong, we can use it to help think of ways to make future days better or as a reminder to plan well, it is just not worth our time to let it run our emotions and cause us to feel like a failure. We are doing our best, and are trusting the Lord to help us each day. That is what is important.

I was contemplating this issue today as my mind ran 200 miles an hour. In a matter of minutes….or rather seconds… I started feeling like a champion today only for that to transfer into feeling discouraged. I had to literally stop my self and give myself a pep talk…in my head of course, I am not that crazy. Well, at least there are no adult witnesses to me speaking to myself! Ha! 

We were finishing lunch at, ahem, 11:10am…when I thought to my self  “wow, kids are getting cleaned up… going down for naptime by 11:30….they will be able to wake up on their own (unlike other days when I have to wake them up at 2:30 to go pick up Annaka from the bus stop) …I did something right today!” 

which was then without any hesitation followed by

“oh no, I did not feed them enough for breakfast and did not get them to sit in one place for a snack so they are hungry too early….If I would have done my mom job better they would not be begging for lunch at 10:30am…they did not play enough…I only got 2 of the 6 books I pulled out read to the kids before they ran and were not listening… I must not have done enough to entertain them…I have failed today”.

The truth of the matter is that my kids did eat breakfast, even though they threw half of it on the floor. They have some food in their bellies, and if they were really still hungry they would eat it….even if off the floor (it has been done). They did have two snacks, even if they were M&Ms and oranges….and even if it was a big battle to get them to sit at the table to eat it so the baby would not grab it and choke. I got around the fact that my son threw a fit when I tried to make him wear clothes by offering for him to wear his monsters inc halloween costume he has lived in the past week. It was warm and worked temporarially.

They are now in bed falling asleep (hopefully). It is almost 12:30 rather than the 11:30am goal after we finished lunch. Costumes are off, pj shirts on, pants thrown on the floor because they wont wear them right now. When not knowing how to interpret my morning I remembered a story a friend told Clint and I last summer. They told us about some friends from Europe where the husband would encourage the wife each evening when she was discouraged about her day. He would remind her that the kids were fed, diapers changed, most importantly had survived the day! :)

I am on a journey to change my perception. I want to see my kids as God sees them. I want to raise my voice less. I want to think about what is meaningful to them as they grown and learn.  I want to be more prepared. Most of all I want to incorporate Christ into my everyday interactions with my kids rather than second guessing everything that happened.

Birth Story

What an eventful day, February 2, 2013!

Below is the LONG version of a really quick event....if you want the short version...90 minutes total labor,  we had two babies within 15 minutes of arriving at the hospital. Bennett was born 3 minutes before his sister Emberlynn, all natural. Now if that is all you would like to know you can quit reading this post. If you want the long version, read on...



I had been on 'bedrest' for a couple weeks. Well, let me re-phrase.....I had been on 'chair-rest' for a couple of weeks. I could not lay flat or I would not be able to breathe, and I could not lay on my side or pain would shoot up and down my legs and spine as well as my hips popping out of place. Imagine sitting in a recliner day and night for weeks....back pain only begins to describe the side effects.

We were hoping to make it to 36 weeks, especially Feb 9th (Saturday) so that the babies would share a birthday with my grandfather. The house was not quite ready, my bags had been packed but had kind of been un-packed some, we had not gotten Annaka's big sister gift, etc. I was not really 'prepared' for them to come. (as if we can ever really be prepared) I did however, admit for the first time out loud on Friday evening that my body has had enough and I did not know how much longer I could handle this. I thought the babies would have to come soon.

Well, maybe the babies heard that and thought that was a welcome to begin the process. I woke up at 1am to pee (not unusual) and told Clint my back hurt and I was ready to not have to sit in the chair 24/7. He rubbed my back for a minute or two, I felt a little better so we both went back to sleep. I woke up at 2:30 (to pee again...not unusual) and decided to get in the shower so the warm water would help my back. (This had worked at relieving back soreness in the past couple weeks) Well, in the shower contractions started. Nothing huge, just uncomfortable. I told Clint he better hop in the shower when I get out, and asked him to plug in my blow dryer and flat iron. I dried my hair and while flat ironing my hair I ended up on my knees in pain and knew we needed to head to the hospital.

After grabbing our things and getting to the van between contractions, we ran every red light and made it to the hospital in 9 minutes. Time 3:50am. Clint pulled up to the ER door and ran in to get a wheel chair. A nurse pushed it out to the van and as I started to get out of the car another contraction hit. I sat at the edge of the van until suddenly I started shaking and had to push. I ended up delivering my bag of waters right there between the van and the wheelchair but did not realize that was what happened.  It did not break and was like a balloon which made me think it was Bennett's head. The nurse told me to quickly sit down to which I loudly replied that I could not sit on his head. With very large eyes she said "sit down now, we are going upstairs". I half sat, half stood in the wheel chair. As we cut through the ER to the elevators. Every nurse that passed us by would do a double take and would get very large eyes and a surprised look on their faces. (I was wearing Jeans but you could tell something had been delivered)

Expecting twins, I was supposed to deliver in the OR in case of an emergency. We did not make it that far. They wheeled me into a delivery room (which was closer) and somehow got me on the bed. I have no idea how they got my pants off but I do remember telling them "I dont care, just cut them off"... we found them folded in the window area after the delivery was over. They popped the bag of waters and Bennett was born within a couple minutes at 4:01am. As soon as he was born the NICU nurses did an immediate assessment, wrapped him up and brought him to me for me to kiss his little face before they took him to upstairs. While the nurses were working on Bennett, a tec brought an ultrasound machine  to our OB to see where Emberlynn was positioned. The Monday before she was head down (like she had been the entire pregnancy) but three days earlier, Wednesday, an ultrasound showed she had flipped around and was transverse with her head at Bennett's feet. She must have followed his feet because she was perfectly positioned to come next. While the OB pulled the ultrasound machine to my stomach, one nurse grabbed my left hand to put an IV in it and another nurse grabbed my right hand to take fingerprints. They had barely finished when our OB told me to push. I was surprised as I thought labor would have to kind of start all over again to move our little girl into place. Here came Emberlynn 3 minutes after her brother at 4:04am. I was admitted to the hospital 45 minutes after the twins were born.

There are other random details, but this is the basics of it. One thing we are very very thankful for is that our OB was already at the hospital. Otherwise she would have never made it on time. 

Whew, 90 minutes of labor only 11 of which were on hospital property.

Like I said in the beginning, the long story of a quick event. This quick event started our journey as parents of three, parents of twins.....and a reminder of what it is like with no sleep:)

We have had quite an experience the past two weeks with our sweet babies in the NICU. I have learned a lot and will post more about this in the next post.

Bennett and Emberlynn's hearts on the Labor and Delivery Waiting room window.

Introducing Bennett and Emberlynn

Introducing the newest members or our Bauman family. They arrived very quickly early Saturday, February 2, 2013.

Bennett Leo Bauman, born 4:01am 6lbs 1oz 18 1/2 inches long.

Emberlynn Elora Bauman, born 4:04am 5lbs 10oz 19 1/2 inches long.



Birth Story coming in the next post, but here are some pictures of the first week and a half of life:)

After the NICU was done assessing Bennett, they brought him to me for a quick greeting and kisses before he was whisked upstairs with his sister to the NICU.

Bennett and Emberlynn being transported to the NICU in the same isolet.

Bennett being looked over by NICU nurses just after birth.

Emberlynn "In her machine" as Annaka says it. She took a large gulp of fluid just before delivery, therefore they helped her breath a bit until it cleared out.

Bennett Stretching out. I am sure he is thankful for the space.

Again, Bennett enjoys stretching out in the warmer bed.

Emberlynn likes to stretch out in the warm bed too while nurses work on getting her IV in.

Emberlynn is our snuggler. She LOVES to be held and will cuddle up if you get close to her.

These next two pictures are some of my favorites showing 'personality'! :)

They are required to drink at least two bottles a day of special extra calorie formula. Bennett decided to help hold Emberlynn's bottle.

My favorite time...snuggle time!

35 Weeks

The Twins and I at 35 Weeks...

Welp, we have made it to a milestone. Our OB told us that 32 weeks brings a better point in the pregnancy where the babies would have a greater chance of less complications etc. 34 weeks was the next major step. When we got to that point last week our Perinatologist (high risk doctor) said that they want us to get to 34 weeks to pat us on the back and tell us we better hang on longer. :)

Annaka hugging the twins at 35 weeks....

Some of the big concerns besides the typical 'preemie' concerns have to do with how gestational diabetes interacts with lungs and growth. Even though all of the medical professionals we have seen have commented on how big our babies are and how that is a great thing....they also comment on how since I have gestational diabetes the babies lungs could develop a little slower than normal. Big babies, slower developing lungs....we want them to hang in there a bit longer!

Our OB said that she typically sees twins born at the 35 week mark spend an average of 2 weeks in the NICU.....whereas she sees this drop to an average of 4-6 hours if we can make it to 36 weeks! In her words, after 36 weeks I can get off bedrest (if possible to move at that point) and mow the lawn, go shopping, etc. Right now I can barely walk so I am not thinking I will be up and about too much....even after next Thursday.

Front View

Good Intentions

Yes, still catching up....

Thanksgiving brought interesting emotions. I took my first glucose test of this pregnancy the day before Thanksgiving. I was thankful I would not get my results until after so that I could enjoy....well as much as you can when still nauseous...one big family meal. At least I enjoyed some side dishes and desserts without loosing my cookies.

I tried convincing the OB and her staff that I knew I would have gestational diabetes and to just forgo the nasty, nauseating testing and just give me the finger poker and send me to the dietitian. Sadly, insurance wont work that way and wants the testing and paperwork. I had gestational diabetes when pregnant with Annaka which puts me at a higher risk to have it when other pregnancies. On top of that a very high percentage of twin pregnancies are paired with gestational diabetes as well. And on top of that there is a very large family history of diabetes so I knew it would be 100% that we would be down this path.

When pregnant with Annaka I could control my sugars via diet. Not so this time. Even with diet changes it was impossible for me to control. Two placentas wreak more havoc than one I guess. Thankful for medicine this time to help. Each week of gestational diabetes is difficult for different reasons. The first couple weeks because you dont know what you can eat, your constantly hungry and all of this stirs up many many many emotions. The last few weeks you are sick of the 5 foods you have stuck with and know wont rise your sugars. Looking forward to this leaving!

Other Thanksgiving events....swelling like never before. Around Thanksgiving I had to finally make the decision that my swelling was only going to get worse and have my rings cut off. What a sad day. I cried before going...by myself...then Annaka cried the day they were cut off. We were walking out of the jewelry shop and she whimpered "I don't like it when you don't have your rings on Mommy"....so we immediately walked two shops down and had ice cream. Thank you Mely's for cheering us both up a bit.

Lastly,  Good Intentions...Do you remember This Post post?  Last year we made a Nativity Calendar with scripture in each pocket. It was a good way to talk specifically about different aspects of Christmas and Christ's birth...and it was a great interest to neighbors and friends who would come to visit. This year on the other hand was a completely different story. Intentions were there, a Nativity Calendar was made and hung up but it was never completed. The numbers did not get on the pockets, the pockets did not get filled and the daily readings were not had. Tiredness, soreness, and not feeling the greatest won. Oh and this has not only been the Nativity Calendar....many things have been thrown to the wind these days. It was sewn and hung...incomplete.

Belly Catch Up...

Wow, have I really not posted since arriving in the states? I guess there is no hiding and a lot to say to catch up. Maybe this should just be a photo catch up post of belly shots....more details and thoughts in posts to come.

22.5 Weeks pregnant with twins....

24.5 Weeks pregnant with twins...

26 Weeks pregnant with twins....

28 Weeks pregnant with twins

I did not get a photo taken at 30 weeks so one will be taken tomorrow at 31 weeks. I guess that only shows how little gets done. 

Highlights

This morning was definitely a highlight. We got to see our precious babies again, our last ultrasound here in Asia!

We dropped Annaka off at school and headed up two floors to the Radiology Clinic. As we watched my heart fluttered, as it usually does. For some reason I always hop up on the table part in excitement to see our precious ones, but another part of me is fearful that she is going to find some bad news or something. I am thankful that all is good and our little ones are growing growing growing.

As the Dr. was trying to get a leg measurement Baby Two was kicking, more like a bucking horse would kick both hind legs. The Dr had to stop, giggle and try again.

Baby One is on my right side and is set higher up. Baby Two is lower and on my left side and tends to kick Baby One. Wow, do these babies like to move and shake! This is probably why I can feel Baby One move more and why it is much more comfy to sleep on my right side!?!

I am feeling a tad bit better these days. Still stay in the house and mostly in the bedrooms as there is air conditioning! The Lord really gave me a little blessing about two weeks ago. We had some friends visiting and for the first time in months I woke up and did not feel like a train wreck. Whereas I had been needing Clint go get me some oatmeal the second my eyes opened, before moving so that I could avoid throwing up, for the first time I was able to sit up, take my nausea meds and eat a cereal bar with no assistance! Then I was able to sit up and interact with people (in my air conditioned room) all day for two days! It truly was a blessing. The Lord knew exactly when I needed that wave of relief. Now I venture into the non-ac living room for at least an hour or two each day.

I now feel I have passed the "throw up for no reason" stage. Now if I throw up or have to sit over my little pink bucket it is for a specific reason that I can pinpoint.

1. I am within a half an our or so of taking my next dose of nausea meds
2. I tried a new food outside of my five that don't typically make me sick
3. I am laying down
4. something is touching my neck/shoulders/upper back (hair, sleeved shirts, the pillow when trying to lay down, the back of the chair, etc)
5. I am hungry.

I can tend to control or remedy most all of these.  I feel we are taking a step in the right direction, but need to take another giant step before I fly for 30 hours in a few weeks.

We are all getting more and more excited for the babies arrival! Annaka loves her 'ducklings' as she calls them and talks to them daily. She gives my growing beachball...I mean belly a hug and sits on my knee and tells me she wants to rock the babies so we rock side to side for a few minutes. She is going to be a wonderful big sister:)

As I sit here I just realized there is an overload of sounds hitting all at the same time.

-Tambourines from a ceremony next door

-Kids playing (Annaka included) across the hall...ie read as high pitch screaming and running while playing

-Tweets and random noises from birds that have unfortunately built a nest outside our window

-Vehicle horns on the road

-Motorcycle engine roaring by

-A cow is mooing on the road

-People in the flat upstairs are moving their chairs/furnature

-A TV in the other room

-Men on the street yelling

-Parking guard on the street blowing his whistle


No, this is not over an afternoon time span, it is a 30 second time span while typing. I think I have learned to block out most of it and/or have music on during the day. (which I am not sure if it adds to the confusion of sounds or drowns the others out)

Listening

I love my conversations with our sweet four year old as she goes to bed. Either Clint or I will read her her Bible story then it is like a little flood gate opens and we get to listen.

I know she chooses to talk at this time so she does not have to immediately go to sleep, but then again, its the only time she stays still enough to think and talk seriously for a longer period of time.

I am looking forward to getting her a little more 'grown up' of a B ible when we are in the states next as she is asking questions far beyond what this little one is addressing. We basically read the story, then I sit with her and pretty much talk about the story re-telling it with more detail. Not because I am trying hard to 'teach her something' but because she asks. She asks if people were jealous of each other, or why they went somewhere, or what things mean.

Minus a lot of details and parts of the conversation here is some of what came about tonight....

I wish I would have wrote things down right away because now I do not remember how the whole conversation tonight got started. Somehow she made the comment that "J esus is kind of like a teacher, isn't he Mama?"

Why yes! I pointed out that we read the story tonight of the Lord's prayer, which is Him teaching us how to pray.

Then somehow she said something about going to heaven and I used the word "forever" which I guess she had never thought of the concept of eternity. Tears flowed as she struggled to get out "I like this country, I don't want to leave and never come back."

Next to explain how we wont even want to come back once we are there. I began describing heaven further than her 'kids' bibles have. Among other things, we mentioned streets of gold, mansions (which brought the question "What is a mansion" and "We get to live in them?") but the best part is that we get to be with J esus.  I told her we would sing and dance in the presence of the Lord. To which she questioned

"How will we dance if we are stuck in a box?"

Stuck in a box....ok....we have been to a western funeral in the past year and she has not gotten over the concept that bodies are put into boxes, then into the ground.

Whew, she does not miss anything....nor does she forget anything!

Next came a whole conversation about one of her favorite nuts. Comparing our bodies to the shell of a pistachio and our spirit to the nut. That once we take the nut out, we can hold the shell in our fingers to look like it still has the nut inside. So, we bury the shell (our skin and bones) because we don't need it anymore.

Last came a point out of her mouth so strong it brought me to tears.  "when we love J esus with our whole hearts and he dies on the cross so we don't have to, he lives in our hearts......so when people worship idols do they have idols in their hearts?"


This was the skeleton of our bedtime conversation. My heart felt every emotion tonight. I love listening to her process and being a part of her deep conversations.

Mangos...how we miss you

Mango season is over. Which is sad on one hand and a relief on the other. You see, mangos are only in the market during HOT season. They are God's relief from the 110, 120, 130 degree weather. Which explains the bittersweet day they are no longer in the market. We know not only by feeling that the temperature is falling and the rains will begin.

Annaka has taken after her father with her love for Mangos. They could put down a whole box of them in one sitting. I like them, but they SERIOUSLY love them.

Clint was out one day and Annaka was begging for Mangos. I was not feeling well and told her that she should wait for Papa because he can cut them up better and will eat them with you.

Well, that was not good enough for her. She said "Come on Mama, I will teach you." There I go, my plan backfired. I HAD to get up now and cut a mango. She was talking as an expert so I figured I would see what she new. I told her to tell me what to do and was surprised. She knew exactly what to do!

1. Cut the mango around the pit and score it. Then flip it.

2. ....Then enjoy each bite!

 3. And we mean every bite!

4. Then grab the pit. There is still lots of good mango around it! 

Until next year beloved mangos.....

Just when you think they are not listening...

I admit it. I have a good 27 years on my 4 year old but sometimes she just flat out outsmarts me. It does tend to strike me as funny.....at first. Then I realize more of what just happened and a lot of the time that  she is infact correct in a literal sort of way and I just don't know what to say. (By literal sometimes its an Amelia Bedelia sort of way rather than an actual correct sort of way)

I could list one after another examples here but here is just one that has really gotten me thinking.

Yesterday Annaka was playing and she decided to 'put on a show for me'. Since I have been sick and in the bed mostly the past month and a half I was happy she was using her imagination rather than just sitting beside me playing uno or coloring. She stood up in her clappy shoes and showed me her skills of how to throw a little pink basketball aiming for the pink section of her dresser all while singing a tune she made up. Then she hid behind the dresser and said it was one of her husbands turn to do an act.

Hmm. "How many husbands do you have?"

"Two"

Hmmmmmm. "Do you know what God thinks about husbands and wives?" We go on to talk about how God wants us to marry one person and stay married to them for our whole lives!

She listened politely and as soon as I finished a few sentences she immediately, as if pulling something from the little file cabinet of her brain, blurted out...

"Well Jacob married two girls...they were sisters"


Ummm, wow. She does know the Bible story. It is not one that we have read recently so she had to pull pretty deep in that little file cabinet to get that fact.

It amazes me because some nights while reading her Bible story it seems as if she is not listening. She cant sit still, wont look at the page, etc. She can always answer the questions at the end which is why I don't mind if she is squirming a little bit.

It is actually a bit scary as well. Giving me a reality check. She soaks in everything. EVERYTHING. No matter if it is something we say, do, the way we look at each other, everything. She not only takes it in and repeats it like a parrot, she now processes it and applies it. I need to do a better job at making sure she understands HOW to apply it to her little life.

I enjoy our little conversations. I love that they are very two way and even better than that, I never know what is coming on the other end. As I am trying to explain what a word means she ends up telling me instead showing that she knows it already. Sometimes she just gets us to giggle as she shouts something unexpected. As she was using Clint's back as a slide the other day she laughs and says "I am totally keeping you Papa"

Just when we think they are not listening, they show us they heard every word...spoken or not.

Update

I know that being sick is a good thing in pregnancy. I am thankful that HE is creating two little lives and I pray every day for them to be healthy and strong. Some days are easier to handle and accept that I am just not going to feel good for a while and other days are a great struggle. A great struggle for our whole family.

At the risk of being complaisant, I have had enough people ask how I am feeling that I should probably post about that. Also to log what is going on in this pregnancy. I like the fact that I can look back in this blog and see that I was sick until 18 weeks when pregnant with Annaka. Helps me know that I am not abnormal because I am still sick now at 12.5 weeks. I am praying hard that maybe because it is more intense this time it will let up quicker.....say 13 weeks. That would be nice. Then in the next two days I would be able to start to get back to normal, or at least out of the confinements of our house and bedroom.

When pregnant with Annaka I was sick and had the mindset that if I threw up I would feel better. WRONG. That does not work when preggo. 30 seconds later you feel just as bad. This time there are a few other factors that really make me not want to throw up. I can hardly eat anything and I am living in a different part of the world. I have a fear of hospitals (I will save that for another post) and do not want to end up dehydrated in one here. I have been trying hard NOT to throw up. It does not always work, but I have learned that if I rock back and forth in front of my little pick bucket under the ac and take deep breaths I can at least hold it off for a while. Any nutrient I actually get into my body I want to keep there. Especially since there are two little ones who both need the nutrition.

My biggest complaint during this pregnancy though is a feeling of being strangled. Strange, yes. I cannot have anything touching my neck or the majority of my shoulders or I puke/gag. I am on constant zofran (the equivalent here) and the last hour before I can take the next pill, I feel a tightening around my neck which sends me over the bucket. I remember not being able to wear my hair down when preggo with Annaka but it was not to this extent.

For now, I am trying to have the best attitude possible and continually remind myself that this too shall pass. In a few weeks I will (hopefully) be able to enjoy this pregnancy more and will find some relief. Until then, I praise the Lord for these two little babies, I thank the Lord for an amazingly wonderful husband who takes good care of me and Annaka, and I thank the Lord for a 4 year old little girl who is excited about her little siblings and who is patient and plays in my room with me so that I can spend time with her.

Thank you Lord for your blessings!

Interesting Beginnings

I was really spoiled when pregnant with Annaka. I had wonderful midwives who answered any question, were always available and who took good care of me. I felt I understood what was going on, what they were expecting and what they would be doing for my prenatal care. They took a blood and urine sample at each visit, spent 45 minutes walking me through what was going on, what they were checking, what was important between then and my next visit and then what to be concerned about.

We will just say the beginning of this pregnancy has been very interesting. A rush to get an ultra sound two weeks after we arrived (I will talk about that more in another post), then an even more interesting OB appointment.

We are referred by our good friends who are in the medical community here in our city. This OB came very highly recommended.  No blood sample, no urine sample. She took my blood pressure and felt my tummy. Then her 'advice' was

1. I should be holding my breath as long as I can each day to increase lung supply for pushing.
2. I needed to pray to the deity of my choice twice a day to ward off negative thoughts.
3. I should not be taking the nausea meds my OB in the USA had told me to take over the phone, I should take a different one. (I later found out was simply unisom and b-6)
4. Since I have a history of miscarriages she told me to go to the pharmacy to get hormone shots.


That was it. Appointment over. No hint of needing another appointment, nothing.

If we were having one, I would be toughing it out and going to visit other ob's in the city and would most likely deliver here. With two in tow and a bit higher risk we are actually staying in touch with my Dr from the states and will be going back to Kansas to deliver. We were told to have ultrasounds done at least monthly and the rest can wait until I get to the states in October.

I will not really have constant in-person prenatal care until my pregnancy is half way over. That raises my eyebrow a bit but we know who is in control so I am trusting the Lord.

Miracles

Miracles. I have known life is an incredible miracle, created by the Lord himself, but these past two and a half years have taken us on quite a journey to learn more. Sure, everyone hears about the exciting times. But what about the other times in our journey that are not so fun to talk about? More than just 'not so fun' but flat out difficult to talk about.

We have always wanted a larger family. I chuckle now but I used to envision myself as a mom of 12. The house always being full. People always over. Full of life. Then I experienced pregnancy for the first time and quickly that number dwindled. Then looking at our life and the culture we live in overseas right now it would not be easy to have a family that large. Any way we looked at life though we knew we want more kids.

The past two and a half years have been full of ups and downs. Opportunities to learn. Opportunities to learn of God's sovereignty and love, though not easy. Miscarriages and then being told we may never be able to have any more or if we were to get pregnant we may not be able to hold on to the pregnancy. None of which are easy.

I can look at my thought process through the two years and see the Lord molding and shaping my heart. When we first got the words from our doctor, I took it hard. I did not sleep for days as I would cry and thank the Lord for the blessing He gave us in Annaka. I would apologize to the Lord for complaining so much while pregnant with her and for my attitude. I would apologize for horrible thoughts that would go through my head(during my first pregnancy) and that I would vocalize like " I am never doing this again". Who am I to dictate to the Lord.

Once my heart calmed down a little bit I began to think that one day I would look back and understand why. Someday He would 'clue me in' on why we are going through this. Then the Lord used our Annaka to teach me another lesson. I had told Annaka to do something and she kept questioning why. I finally bent down beside her and said "It does not matter why, I am your mommy and you need to obey me weather you know why or not". Ohhhh. As soon as those words left my mouth I was about in tears.  I am the child, my Heavenly Father does not have to tell me why. I am not entitled to know the why, I am to love and praise the Lord for HE is good. That one took a little while to process.

It kind of took a load off in a way. I was no longer waiting to understand the why, but was learning to  understanding more of who HE is.

We have always talked about adoption. Even before we were married we talked about how we would love to adopt and how we feel it is a beautiful thing and how the Lord commands us to look after widows and orphans. I began looking at agencies thinking maybe now is the time. I had always thought it would be a few years down the road still but why not start now and see if the Lord opens the door at this time.

At the same time we decided to use the time we would be in the states for business reasons to do a fertility treatment. We had enough time for two rounds. The first round was interesting as it had no effect at all. In fact (to keep this in non-medical terms) to show the medicine is taking effect, one of my 'levels' should have been at at least a 10 but most likely a 30. It was .4   (point four).  Deciding to go ahead with round two even though the first was ineffective, it became a different story. This time there were not only side effects from the medicine, but my 'levels' were 380 (Three hundred eighty). The highest the Dr had ever seen.

The Lord has decided to bless us, and bless us over and beyond our requests or expectations! He has created two little lives! Our twins should make their debut in February sometime:) What a Miracle! What a blessing!

What A Welcome...

Were back home in Asia and what a welcome we got,
we knew thered be bumps, but expecting this we were not.

Rescheduled, re-routed, delta could have done greater,
our bags were delayed, still not here a week later.

No electricity or internet, and it was mighty hot.
The defrosted food in the freezer had began to rot.

Thankfully some good friends had us over to rest,
in the cool air of their ac, oh we were so blessed!

Annaka excitedly jumped right into her school,
while I battled with our french press and broke my own rule.

I broke it.

And it broke me.

Ok, I am not good enough to keep going :) I ran out of rhymes. Or ran out of time.

We did make it safe, in one piece. The flights did not seem as bad as we were going through them, but the jet lag was/is a pill! Sitting in our last connection airport from 10:30pm until our 6am flight is what I think topped the cake of getting our sleep off schedule. I do, however, like that it is getting us up earlier now. I kind of hope that part sticks.

As soon as we arrived, it made my heart happy to hear Annaka joyfully shout "Were Home!" over and over! We are all glad to be back and are enjoying seeing our friends here! Getting back into routine.

So tired...she even fell asleep in her foreign food

Happy 6 Year Anniversary!

Can't believe it has been 6 years since standing together in that spot. 

Praying for many, many more:)

Photo fun...

Wearing my scarf as a turban.

Peeking out a hiding place.

"Tangled" Dress and wig sent from the states. (she LOVES dress up!)

Playing the part with a frying pan:)

I think this one is my favorite:) 

Some events are not quite as much fun as it seems....or are they?

Doesn't it look like Annaka is having so much fun? 

This was our local new years party. Annaka was not thrilled to be riding the horse, and she did not even want to ride the camel. 

And, it was a bit strange that everywhere around here thinks Santa and a weird mouse creature #1 belong together and #2 are at a new years party? Yes, our neighbor said 'santa' appears up through New Years. 

Kind of strange for a culture/society that does not really celebrate Christmas. 

At least the evening ended more fun getting to hang out with friends/neighbors....kids chasing each other and having fun. We took Annaka home early to get to bed. She was upset she was missing the community kids dance party so we had a mini 5 minute one in our living room....at 9pm. :)